1. Math - The fact that we even have to tell you that math is child abuse should be your first indication that your problem is beyond solving (pun intended - which brings us to our first bonus item: puns. Puns are totally child abuse too. Even when your kid understands your embarrassing word play, they pretend that they don't -- to protect you from hearing their true feelings about your utter failure to maintain a functional sense of humor). If you think pushing your child to become a math genius isn't doing any damage, you need to do some reading on the long-term effect of daily wedgies.
2. Glasses - Not seeing is absolutely preferable to being a four-eyed fist-target at school. When your kid comes home looking like a nerdy raccoon with two black eyes beneath his crumpled, broken glasses, you
better apologize to him that you and your dad and his dad didn't eat enough carrots to repair your dumb blind genes (no, we are not sure if that's how genetics work, four eyes). Surprisingly, being able to see the fists coming towards your face isn't doesn't make kids think glasses are worth it.
3. Preppy clothes - This one is a little confusing because preppy clothes can go two ways, but unless you are from New England and have a last name like Smythe or Rothchild or something similarly wasp-y, chances are you and your kin do not have the style or panache to pull them off. In fact, the Smythes and the Rotchilds will probably beat up your nerdy kid in his RL Chaps dungarees because Smythes and Rotchilds are preppy bullies whose tyranny will always cause tears to streak down the cheeks of innocent, smartly dressed babes such as yours.
4. Sack Lunches - Your kid's might appreciate the effort, but watching your classmates eat pizza and drink soda while you eat a sandwich made with lunch meat that just squeaked in under the expiration date is not the best way to spend lunch.
5. Being smart - OK if you're not seeing a theme here, then this one may not apply to your family. Being smart is almost always synonymous with being depressed or being bullied or both. You need to have a heart to heart with your kid and talk about the prospect of dumbing it down for the masses if you want to have any hope at having any semblance of a social life down the road. Most people hate smart people. They hate smart people because they think smart people are snobs because most people have an inferiority complex. It's not really your fault, and for certain lucky families, being smart can totally work out, but for most of them it is not chill at all. Keep your head down, poindexter, and we might just get out of this mess alive.
6. Family outings - As fun as it is to visit elderly relatives, riding in an overly packed car with a questionable smell is not always the best way to spend a vacation. If you've ever seen National Lampoon's Family Vacation, Clark Griswold is not who you wan to emulate.
7. Michael Buble (also, most of your music) - how do you listen to this stuff? It is the exact opposite of cool and making your kids listen to it is definitely child abuse, but what's even worse is putting it on when your child has a friend over. You know how you get that full body chill when you see something gross on TV? That's how kids feel the entire duration that you force them to listen to this obsolete, novelty fake crooner dreck. Stop abusing your children with your horrible taste. We're not saying pop music is good, in fact,
sometimes it's even more embarrassing when parents try to keep up with what's cool on the radio (because the radio is not that cool -- try Spotify, loser). Just be like every other mom and dad ever and either
stop being able to find time to listen to music at all or be all cute about how you only listen to music that came out when you were still in high school and you just don't get what all the fuss is about Kanye and Kim (and definitely do not call them Kimye).
8. Trying to keep up with the current lingo - While we appreciate the effort, your sentences don't need to be punctuated with "dude", "homie", and "radical" so that your kids can understand. In fact, if you stop saying these things your kids might stop laughing long enough to actually listen.
9. Transformers - OK. We know that a lot of parents out there like to monitor what their kids watch for sex and violence and language and suggestive themes, but what we're wondering is why parents are not screening movies for being utterly moronic. There is no way that watching this movie does not destroy brain cells. You are watching a movie about fighting robots. Robots that do not exist or have anything to do with anything important. There are so few opportunities to give your kid a chance at substance (look, we're not saying you need to watch foreign films with your kids, in fact, probably don't because that raise other issues), but like, just watch regular comedies. Transformers is for sure child abuse. Your kids will almost certainly want to watch it or something like it, but you must be strong.
10. Kale. Salads are awesome. Being healthy is really good, and it is even kind of cool these days. But kale is like making a salad from the stuff in your rain gutter. If you can convince me that kale is not child abuse, I will eat a whole bowl of kale. See what I did there? Kale is its own punishment. Therefore, child abuse.
11. The birds and bees talk - You may have the best intentions but rest assured, anything you could tell your children about they've already seen on the internet. In fact, if you need any tips on how to spice up your relationship it might be worth asking your kids whats popular these days.
12. Bumper stickers. Oh man. Do we have to tell you why your Romney-Ryan bumper stickers send shivers up your kid's spine every time you pick them up from school? If so, you may want to consider sending the kids to live with grandma and grandpa because this abuse is getting out of hand.
13. Rides to school - If bullies are having trouble meeting their ass kicking quota for the day, the first place they're gonna look is the drop off zone where kids are being forced to kiss their mom goodbye. You might as well put a bulls eye on their back as they get out of the car.
14. Your trying to keep up with social media. Seriously, you embarrass yourself with every keystroke on Facebook. You're just too old. Even if you're not that old, you're too old to do this. It's not like you need to start slowing down in life and start thinking about the golden years, just, you know, go do something else. If you don't, you're going to force your kids to weird platforms like Snapchat and Zazzlejazzer where kids swap pictures of their genitalia in exchange for bitcoins to buy synthetic marijuana. Seriously, it's bad news. It's child abuse.
15. OK, to be honest, we're really not sure how to feel about this baby fighting video but take a look. There's definitely some lesson to be learned here.