We Dont Negotiate with Terrorists - How to Bargain with Your Teen
29August

We Dont Negotiate with Terrorists - How to Bargain with Your Teen

Written by Craig Rogers, Posted on , in Section Teens & Tweens

Do you know why we don't negotiate with terrorists?

It's because when we negotiate with them, we legitimize their demands. Terrorists almost never have demands that are in the interest of the greatest number of people. Usually the terrorist perspective represents a minority contingent at best. Pretty much just like teenagers.

Sometimes engaging in diplomacy with your teenager can be like trying to negotiate a peace deal with a madman. As parents, it is our job to use firm, reasonable and fair discipline.

Say your teen son wants to drive even though he doesn't have his learner's permit yet. You wouldn't let him would you? What if he offered to do the dishes for the next ten nights? Well, there's a couple problems here. Teenagers should recognize that chores like dishes are not currency that can buy opportunities. Perhaps dishes should be done by the whole family, regularly, in order to contribute to making home life easier for everyone. Driving is not something to be taken lightly. People who pass their learner's permit test might be allowed to drive, but even then, it's at the discretion of a parent.

Parents say 'no' for a lot of reasons, but kids rarely think about the reasons behind no. That's why they try to negotiate. They think everything is part of an open exchange, and that if they just make you the right deal, youll cave. We recognize that rules are there in order to protect families and individuals, to preserve some balance and fairness.

By giving in to a teen's demand to use the car in exchange for dishes, we don't do anything to encourage values like selflessness, family or tidiness. What we do is offer a skewed perception of how the world works. We teach that hard work can be replaced with money or the right bargain.

When we allow teens to negotiate their demands, we really let them steamroll right over us.

Negotiating With Teen Anger Is a No Win Situation

Teens can fly off the handle for no reason. Their motives can seem totally baffling. The hormonal anger and misplaced aggression expressed by teen children is a mistifying phenomena to most parents.

Sometimes, we may give into the temptation to cave in order to circumvent troubling and difficult conversations we get into with our kids. Doing that reinforces that real communication is unimportant.

We need to instill empathy in our children. Empathy is actually the key characteristic of successful negotiation. But if our kids had a good grasp on empathy, they wouldn't try to negotiate the things that they do. Empathy means being able to understand another person's experience and put their feelings into context. If teens understood that we aren't refusing to negotiate with them because we're stubborn or obstinant, but instead to help them build character, to maintain fairness and to teach, they wouldn't ask in the first place.

A teen who manages to get angry all the time for seemingly no reason may be reaching out for help that they don't know where to find. Allowing a teen to negotiate their way into or out of a situation shortchanges them on the opportunity to connect with other people.

If we really listen to our teens, we will know what they want before they even ask. If their demands are reasonable, we can find ways to make these things happen in a way that's fair and provides a sense that a child has earned something. Feeling like you've earned your reward is much more satisfying than trying to buy it.

Rather than caving to negotiations, legitimizing the unfocused anger teens feel, we should try to convert these outbursts into opportunities to find better solutions to common problems. This will help you build a deeper relationship with your son or daughter.

If your teen wants to bargain to stay out later than his or her agreed upon curfew, and you relent, what you're saying is that the curfew you chose was arbitrary. Sure, there are circumstances where compromise does make sense, but always remember that it is at your discretion. The rules don't bend. You may modify the rules at any time, because you're the boss. But make sure that your logic is consistent, communication is clear and your motivations are fair and your teen will always respect your authority.

Fairness and discipline aren't about saying 'No.' They're about doing what's best for your teen, to make them more characterful, more honest, more respectful and with more honor and integrity as adults.

We don't negotiate with terrorists because they don't have a legitimate cause. If your teen has a legitimate cause, they'll find a way to make their point without having to bargain to get their way.

C.A.R.E. knows all about the struggles teens face, and the struggles parents face when trying to help a troubled teen. To learn more about how you can cope with an out of control teenager, and find help that