The Worst Day of My Career Was The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me
23September

The Worst Day of My Career Was The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me

Written by Tim Thayne, Posted on , in Section Teens & Tweens

The Worst Day of My Career

 could see he was a handsome kid, even though his hair was bright green and he never smiled. Garrett had dyed his hair just before his parents sent him to us and his mom was convinced that he did so just because he knew that she loved his blond hair. It was only the latest way he’d found to demonstrate who was in charge. He was in full-fledged rebellion mode; whatever his parents wanted he was against. He was using drugs and alcohol and was regularly sneaking out at night. One of the brightest kids in his high school, he was failing most of his classes. His first week in our wilderness program, he was so angry that he wouldn’t talk to me, and I didn’t blame him. I would have been mad too.

It was December in Utah; there was over a foot of snow on the ground and Garrett was sleeping in a shelter of his own making, constructed with a single tarp stretched between trees with cordage. The second week, our staff pointed me in his direction, up a path that meandered into the trees. By the smiles on their faces, it was clear that the tension the staff had experienced just a week earlier, as they worried about Garrett doing something rash—like running—was gone.

As I walked toward Garrett’s camp, I anticipated the familiar and welcome change in attitude we so often see after the initial anger has worn off: a softened expression, better eye contact, and a willingness to engage in conversation. My optimism for what I might find was founded upon the experiences I had had with so many other teens in the wilderness. Even though I’d seen it often, each time I witnessed that softening in attitude after the first difficult week, it was as if a small miracle had occurred in the life of that teen, and we would all feel joy because of it. But what I found that morning in the little clearing where he camped was a level of readiness, engagement and creativity that I’d never encountered before. Garrett had constructed a complete living room suite out of snow. He had a snow couch and coffee table. He had a little chair also made out of snow. He had a mat made from willows that he had placed on the couch for me to sit on to keep my posterior from getting wet, and he sat in his own chair eager to start our session.

That was the beginning of an amazing few weeks together in the wilderness as I witnessed Garrett’s jolting hair color fade, his naturally happy disposition return and his drive to create and be productive manifest itself in the construction of dozens of primitive products: a backpack from willows and leather, a sling, a leather “possibles” bag, an assortment of eating utensils, a bullroarer (think of Crocodile Dundee), drums and a flute. From having been one of our toughest kids, Garrett had turned into a poster child for wilderness treatment. But, because I had seen too many failures with kids going home too quickly, when it was time for him to leave camp, I recommended to his parents that he go on to a therapeutic boarding school. They were directed by their educational consultant to a great coed, therapeutic-type boarding school, and I soon got word that he was considered one of their shining stars as well. I felt great about him, and his family. I’d gotten to know his father and mother quite well and chalked them up to being among my favorites. It seemed like a big win for all concerned.

We kept in touch, so I wasn’t surprised in the least when I saw their number pop up on the phone’s caller ID. I was expecting good news. But there was distress in Garrett’s mother’s voice and she was in tears.

She started to tell me the story of Garrett’s return home and how he’d quickly reverted to some of his old negative behaviors: drinking, lying, sneaking out. I was devastated; this was the boy that I thought would surely be successful. We’d done all the things we felt would make the difference including the step-down therapeutic boarding school, and he’d gone home with the best recommendations the program therapist could give, with parents committed to outpatient therapy, substance abuse groups and family therapy. Yet none of it seemed to have helped, and again the family was plunged into crisis.

I caught the next plane to their hometown to see him face to face.

risky teen behaviorWhen I arrived, his parents apologetically told me that Garrett had locked himself in his room and was refusing to see me. For his parents, their inability to get their son to do this simple thing—to see me, someone who’d had an exceptional relationship with him—further defined their sense of failure as parents. Besides the overwhelming sense that they had failed as parents, they also began to question the whole process. At one point they asked me, “Tim, we did everything that you asked us to do and everything the next program asked of us. Why is this not working?” I did not have a good answer for them. They were loving, educated, engaged and willing, and they were faithfully following through with all of the things that had been asked of them. After everything that had been worked through and sacrificed over the previous year, it was a crushing defeat—for him, for his parents, and for me.

On the plane home, I resolved that I would devote all my time to developing ways for parents and teens to succeed at home. I never wanted to see another kid crash and burn while parents stood by, helpless. That notion was the birth of Homeward Bound and is what ultimately led to the writing of Not By Chance.

The Purposes of this Book

There are three driving reasons for why I wrote the book Not By Chance

1. To educate parents on how and why treatment programs work and the role they play in the ultimate successful turnaround of their teen.

2. To inspire parents and help them know how to make the changes that tie directly to their teen’s long-term success in the future.

3. To coach parents on creating a doable, concrete plan, a social support network, and the confidence to follow a proven path to success with their teen.

Last summer we had an extended family reunion in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Everyone, Grandma included, voted to participate in a white water rafting trip down the Snake River. Benson, our guide, was truly expert. He was cheerful, he was clear in his instructions, and he was confident where we were not. He consistently gave us plenty of warning before we hit the rapids. That forewarning and advice turned the experience from nerve racking to adventurous and fun. During slow times on the float, he made sure to point out the high water marks along the cliffs, or eagle’s nests and grazing deer. He taught us about eddies and encouraged us, when it was safe, to jump in the river and splash around for fun. He passed out fleece jackets and hats to warm those who were shivering after being drenched in the spray. We were comforted by his presence and enjoyed the journey infinitely more than if we had just thrown our own raft in the river and tried to guess what was coming around the bend or what we were seeing.

Like Benson, I am here to serve as your guide. My team and I have run this river hundreds of times with families from every state and from countries abroad. I have learned where the rapids and waterfalls are and know how to prepare you and your teen for what’s around the bend, so you know when to hold on tight, ride it out, paddle hard and fast to change course and when to sit back and enjoy the trip. This book is to help parents who are anxious find hope and peace. Conversely, it’s also meant to encourage parents who are apathetic or in denial about the challenges that lie ahead to wake up and engage wholeheartedly.

Not By Chance

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