Is Pornography Helping or Hurting in the Bedroom? I say, "It's hurting and causing great damage" (Continued)

"Is Pornography Destroying Relationships and Marriages? Are you kidding?

Continued from page 1.

David Ley’s argument that porn is good for society doesn’t take into account what other researchers have found. For example, one researcher found that “Adult exposure to pornography is associated with engaging in more behavioral aggression.” (1) Another researcher wrote, “Among the effects of the use of pornography are an increased negative attitude toward women, decreased empathy for victims of sexual violence, a blunted affect, and an increase in dominating and sexually imposing behavior.” (2) Finally, “Adult exposure to pornography is connected with users trying to get partners to act out scenes from pornographic films.” (3)

As I concluded with my colleague I realized that our discussion was missing the mark. Our debate should not be whether pornography is addictive or not. Instead we should focus on helping individuals and couples have great relationships. Quite frankly, I personally don’t care if pornography is addictive or not. I care more about what pornography is doing to individuals and in their relationships. Our society needs more individuals who are great at relationships and couples who are succeeding. I believe our attention should turn to helping individuals and couples achieve deeper levels of intimacy.

We need to spend more time helping people create better relationships. I also realized that maybe David Ley is right about a few things. We need to have more discussions on this topic, but not about whether pornography is addictive or not. Instead how do we help society respond to the fact that pornography is here and we have to figure out how to deal with it in our day-to-day lives without it destroying our relationships.

So how should we respond to pornography in our society?

I believe we need to ask ourselves some important questions in order to effectively respond:

Question #1: Is pornography helping our relationships? Research would say, no! However, to be fair, there are some couples who report that it helps their relationship. So maybe we should be asking what is the difference between couples where porn hurts the relationship and those who find it helps them?

Possible solutions could include learning to have a more open dialogue about pornography and its influence on our lives and relationships.

Question #2: How do we best help individuals and couples who are seeking help due to pornography-related problems?

Regardless of whether pornography is addictive or not, countless individuals and couples are seeking professional help to deal with pornography in their lives. In order to help, we need to better assess their needs (See www.recoveryzone.com for questions regading overall sexual compulsivity and www.discoverandchange.com/apa for pornography use problems).

In our assessment, we need to acknowledge that pornography or other sexual behaviors may not be the only problem. I have found that depression and anxiety are high in individuals who frequently use pornography (3-5 times a week or more). Only when we have a clear understanding of the problems can we provide clear guidance and help.

Question #3: Is pornography distracting us from creating better relationships? Leading researchers are telling us yes. Again, there may be exceptions as there always are, but the fact remains that pornography is harming many relationships.

In order to resolve this we need to learn how to have better relationships regardless of whether we believe pornography is good or bad for us. Human intimacy is a learned skill. Learning to create strong and vibrant relationships is a valuable solution. In my personal practice, I use the Relationship Intimacy Test to help couples assess their relationship.

I developed this test to help couples explore the health of their relationship. You can take this test to assess your relationship for free at www.discoverandchange.com

Conclusion:

Pornography is a part of our society and it is here to stay. Our dialogue needs to shift away from whether it is addictive or not and instead focus on how it is influencing our individual lives and our relationships. So to my confused colleague I would say, “Gather as much information as you can and form your own ideas.”

As for me, my personal research and clinical experience tells me that pornography is hurting individuals and couples more than it is helping them. I agree with Dr.’s Johnson and Gottman that pornography is hindering couples’ attachment bonds. However, I also agree with David Ley that pornography isn’t the problem--we are. But it is because we are turning to pornography instead of to a healthy, intimate relationship.

References:

E. Donnerstein, “Pornography: Its Effects on Violence Against Women,” in Pornography and Sexual Aggression, Eds. Neil M. Malamuth and Edward Donerstein (New York: Academic Press, 1984; M. Allen, D. D’Allessio, and K. Brezgel, “ A Meta-Analysis Summarizing the Effects of Pornography II: Aggression After Exposure, “Human Communication Research, 22, 258-283.

Ana J. Bridges, “Pornography’s Effects on Interpersonal Relationships,” in The Social Costs of Pornography, edited by James R. Stoner Jr. and Donna M. Hughes, 89-110. Princton, New Jersey: Witherspoon Institute, 2010.
E. Cramer and J. McFarlane, “Pornography and Abuse of Women,” Public Health Nursing 11, no. 4 (1994): 268-272.